FDA Approves Alcoholism Treatment Pill

The time has come. Despite a volatile and expensive lobbying effort on behalf of the Southern California Rehabilitation Clinic Consortium, last week the FDA officially approved a revolutionary new pill that purports to cure alcoholism. Pharmacies have since been overwhelmed with prescription requests as alcoholism sufferers camped outside Walgreens all over the country, with some street corners turning into booze-soaked “last hurrah” parties.

“I bought my last bottle of gin today,” self-described alcoholic and Skokie homemaker Terry Davis said. “I’m excited to transfer my dependence from alcohol to pills. Fewer calories! I’ll be a Real Housewife of Cook County yet!”

The pill, dubbed the Voluntary Opportunity to Definitively Knock Alcoholism (or VODKA) pill, represses the desire to drink alcohol and replaces it with hallucinations of puppies and rainbows. Preliminary clinical trials reported a 99-percent success rate, but the limited choice of imagery has left some disappointed.

“Unfortunately I’m a cat person, so I’m looking forward to the next generation that is more animal-inclusive,” Davis said.

Alcohol rehabilitation centers have already felt the economic crunch induced by the VODKA pill. The Lindsey Lohan Suite at the Betty Ford Clinic – a room that is infamously booked months in advance by starlets anticipating their next rehab stint – has been vacant since Tuesday, with all future bookings canceled.

The Ford Center’s marketing director, Don Welsch, said the clinic is looking into a new advertising campaign to combat the exodus.

“We need to remind people that the presence of the VODKA pill hasn’t changed our mission: To offer safe haven for those struggling with addiction,” Welsch said. “Our clinic continues to offer top-notch rehabilitation service in the form of a 12-step program, counseling, business center, daily massages, personal trainers and fitness regimens, access to luxury retailers and custom boutiques, five-star chefs, a 12-screen movie theater, and a whole campus of recreation destinations, including private bowling alleys, swimming pools and an eighteen-hole golf course. Our new slogan is ‘Betty Ford: A home away from home!’”

In other news, retailers report that DVD copies of the ‘60s-era psychedelic children’s show “Spot and His Pet Rainbow” have seen an inexplicable 3,200-percent spike in sales since Monday.

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Our assignment for Humor & Satire Writing this week was to take an actual Newsweek story from 2007 about the development of an alcoholism treatment pill and turn it into satire. This is what I ended up with. I have new respect for Onion writers.

Question, for my own enlightenment: At what point did you realize this was satire? Or did you? What sounded realistic enough to be true?