Tuesday, December 28, 2010

To write erotica or not to write erotica



Many life lessons can be found in the 1999 classic "10 Things I Hate About You." For example, flashing the soccer coach can get your would-be boyfriend out of detention, and male models are generally undesirable in every way except their looks. (Both true, though I admit to no personal experience in either case.)

The most applicable life lesson for a writer, however, can be found in Allison Janney's character. S
he fills the obligatory teen comedy role of the wacky authority figure (think Principal Rooney in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"), spending her office hours as a high school guidance counselor crafting a thesaurus-enhanced work of erotic literature starring, you guessed it, the effervescent Reginald.

Beside the fact that Janney is a scene-stealer in absolutely everything, her character's identification as an author has always led me to wonder about her back-story. Was she an aspiring writer that found work as a guidance counselor (ie gave up on her preferred field), or a guidance counselor that found an outlet in writing out her erotic fantasies while simultaneously, you know, counseling teenagers?

As with any genre, the bulk of erotic romance novels (writer Mary Roach discusses the difference between pornography, erotica and romance here) are badly written dime novels. But unlike horror or comedy or drama, this presumption of poor craftsmanship defines the overall reputation of the romance category.

I mean, how can you take this seriously as literature?

Captain Obvious points out that it's hard to make it as a writer in any genre. Even if you do manage to survive NaNoWriMo or get a publisher to look at your manuscript, most authors don't come anywhere near being famous, or if they do they're often a one-hit wonder. (Dan Brown, I love you, but please stop.)

But romance novels are a serious market. It is the most popular genre in modern literature: In 2008, out of more than 47,000 fiction books published in the U.S., about 7,000 were romance novels, which generated $1.37 billion in sales -- a solid eighth of the market. A quarter of the American population -- more than 74 million people (90% women) -- read at least one romance novel that year. And of those, almost 30 million (mostly married women in their 30's and 40's) are regular romance readers.

Not to mention that the genre is one of the oldest.
Vātsyāyana wrote the Kama Sutra like 1,600 years ago. Two hundred years ago, Jane Austen provided a cornerstone for the non-erotic body of romantic fiction work. Even Mark Twain got in on the fun in 1880 with the rather risque 1601, which (it goes without saying) created some waves.

So who are we to be choosy? Getting published is getting published, and a paycheck is a paycheck.
With a literary landscape so saturated with both good and bad romance novels (mostly bad, or at least horrendously cheesy), aspiring authors would be smart to re-think their scorn.

According to stats drummed up by romance novelist Brenda Hiatt (author of our representative book cover above), the payout for a romance novel is anywhere from a few hundred bucks to more than $100,000. Top-paying publishers are, not surprisingly, the giants Random House, Ballantine (a member of the Random House Publishing Group) and Grand Central Publishing (formerly owned by Time Warner, now a part of the Hachette Book Group). But a number of smaller publishers -- notably Harlequin, Pocket, Silhouette and Berkley/Jove -- provide a pay-out of at least $10,000-$20,000, which ain't bad for something that probably does not need to be labored on for years (or even months) on end. Royalties tend to hover around 6-8% for print and 30-40% for electronic, which is standard in the publishing industry.

Writing romance has the potential to be a lucrative side gig, and there are plenty of pseudonyms to go around, and yet
to people who take themselves too seriously (ie literary critics and most writers), the romance genre is a joke. We've been cultured to assume that romance novels are trashy, pathetic and aimed at lonely women. And many of them are. But wouldn't it be great if the industry could evolve to the point where writing any brand of romance or erotica wasn't a dagger to the heart of a mainstream career? Where a pseudonym wouldn't be necessary to preserve credibility as an author?

Not everything one writes needs to be published. The best part of being a writer, in fact, is not the moment of publishing but the moment of composing something that really carries weight, that means something to you and could possibly mean something to someone else. That last part is the gravy on the publishing boat. I'd never embark on a journey to write something I wouldn't consider publishing, and I don't think I'm quite ready to proudly post my name over sentences like, "He played with her disheveled, mahogany hair with one hand as the other slowly crept up her creamy leg, pausing to trace the skirt hem that lay flat against her long, lithe thighs." *

Of course, I'm being hypocritical: I criticize the genre's reputation for bad writing and then dismiss the writing process as easy, when obviously it's not. But some authors publish more than half a dozen romance novels a year, so it can't be all that hard, can it? (Hi-o.) For now, I'll content myself with dreaming up double entendre pseudonyms and searching for a genuinely well-written erotic romance novel. (Suggestions welcome for either.)

The big question on writing romance: Is the juice worth the squeeze? Reginald's quivering member would probably say so.

* Wow, a thesaurus of some kind really is necessary.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Happy holidays, blogosphere!

So I was on a tropical island 24 hours ago. And how does Chicago welcome me home? Making me spend an hour carving my car out of the snow. It took pounds of kitty litter and a friendly neighbor to whom I now karmically owe baked goods. It's just too cliche to bother whining about.

I hope you all had a very merry Christmas! If you don't celebrate Christmas, I hope your Chinese food was greasy and delicious.


In case any of you were looking for a last-minute gift for me...



Friday, December 17, 2010

LEGEND


You guys. Charlie Brown is on the Northwestern football team.

Charlie Brown. CHARLIE BROWN!!

Made my day. Thanks, Dozer.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

It's my Friday

I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow for a long overdue vacation and to see my family. As a result, I'm finding it hard to get anything done today. Join me.

This is pretty much the best thing I've seen since the Pachelbel Rant. Enjoy!




via Gabby Frate.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It burns the soul

The provided embed link is broken, but if you've ever wanted to be a journalist, or if you've ever loved someone who thought they wanted to be a journalist, click here and prepare to weep tears of recognition.

via the actual, real-life working journalist (a rarity!) Erin Dostal.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Happy Monday

I'm a sucker for fancy, animated infographics. And English accents. Check out this neat article from The Economist on how the world will reach a living population of seven billion in about a year here. The world has changed more in the last 60 years than in centuries before it; can you imagine where we'll be in another 60?

Found via wimp.com, a circa-1993-looking site that nevertheless links to cool and/or funny and/or informative videos on a daily basis.

P.S. It's 9 degrees in Chicago today. For any nerds reading, it's basically Hoth out there.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sometimes it hurts...

...to be a Northwestern fan.


Case in point, the beating we suffered versus Wisconsin last Saturday.
Congratulations to Badgers fans; I'm sure you're all excited to go to the Rose Bowl. But 70-23? Bielema, you're a dick.

I'm as hardcore a Northwestern football fan as they come. I've been to every home game since 2005, and I've been to eight out of 10 of our conference opponents' stadiums, as well as this year's season opener at Vanderbilt. (And planning to road trip out to Lincoln next year when we add Nebraska to the Big Ten, er, Twelve, er, whatever.) I was in the marching band for four years. I bleed purple. I got comfortable with seeing our team steadily improve throughout the season, and end on a fabulous note in November. That's typically the month we beat Iowa, after all. Beating Iowa is my favorite.

That's why losing Persa, and then dropping the two games at the end of the season -- Illinois at Wrigley (WRIGLEY) and then Wisconsin over Thanksgiving weekend, both on primetime TV -- really, really hurt. For the first time, 'Cats fans are starting to have real expectations, and when we don't fulfill them, our hearts ache.

But I'll take this opportunity to remind everyone -- and myself -- that this program is on an incredible upswing, and -- if you'll excuse my French -- fuck if I'm going to miss watching Fitz end his fifth season as head coach with our first bowl win since 1949. I am simply not willing to risk it. So I'm putting faith before evidence, fashioning some Bielema voodoo dolls (yes, I hold grudges) and planning a trip to Texas.

Bowl announcements are this Sunday; Northwestern is projected to be given the second-to-lowest Big Ten spot at the TicketCity Bowl in Dallas on January 1st. (The lowest slot will go to a non-Big Ten team, since Purdue, Indiana and Minnesota are not bowl-eligible. As tough as it's been to be a 'Cats fan this year, it's been worse to be a Boilermaker, Hoosier or Gopher fan.) (No love for the Boilermakers this year, though.)

So go 'Cats, beat the Texas Tech Red Raiders (our projected opponents). 2011 is going to be a wicked awesome season -- a (knock on wood) healthy Persa, an experienced depth chart, a non-spastic run defense -- but we've still got business to attend to this year. Fitz, Watkins and crew will just have to figure out how to take care of business.

Until then, I'm just going to watch this on loop: