I wrote this humor piece for a writing class this past spring. If I inspire just one of you to start your own cult, my life will be worthwhile. Enjoy.
The word “cult” is thrown around rather lightly these days -– Cult of Mac and so forth. Steve Jobs has it pretty good, and you can too: The key to the good life is positioning yourself as the leader of a hapless band of followers that can't think for themselves. (For the quick and easy route, see related article: “How to Usurp Leadership of the American Tea Party from Fox News.”) Wouldn’t it be great to have people fawn over you, love you, kill for you, and do pretty much whatever you say? Of course it would. Here's what you do:
Getting started:
- Choose a text on which to base your teachings. The Bible is an effective but overly ambitious and over-used choice; you may be better off going with something like the operation manual to your microwave. Memorize and meditate on the wisdom in your chosen text. Find phrases (“Read all instructions before use.” “Do not immerse cord in water.”) that can be used as chants later.
- Do your homework. Research other great cult leaders like Tony Robbins, Jesus, Oprah, and Lady Gaga.
- Establish a legitimate-looking front. Personal wellness centers, think tanks and consulting firms are good options, since no one actually understands what they do.
- Name your cult something catchy that is a combination of meaningful words, like “Scientology.”* Don’t forget to set up a Facebook group.
- Go out and find some primary followers. This is where charisma matters: Impress them with lofty-sounding language, scare them with prophesies of the future, and convince them that you are the only gateway to an eternal state of Utopia. It helps if you get them high first.
- Once your inner circle is complete, expand your membership. Target the obviously disgruntled; some people are just itching to leave normal society behind and adopt your way of life. (Other people are just itching. Avoid them.)
Now that you’ve got your cult up and running, find ways to slowly gain control over all aspects of your followers’ lives. Start small, and work your way up. Some ideas:
- Establish a unique look for your followers to adopt. An early-90’s hairstyle is a great place to start. Require all members to sport either a rat tail or feathered bangs. The truly devoted will reveal themselves by attempting both. Praise them.
- Require that everyone live together. Every respectable cult has a compound. The more creative and weird, the better; giant treehouses and dilapidated warehouses are good options. You’ll want something set apart from society, so your followers can’t contact the outside world. Confiscate cell phones, unless they're AT&T. They won't ever have a signal anyway.
- Castrate everyone. Trust me, it just makes things easier.
- Control what your followers eat. You may choose to feed them nothing but Fruit Roll-Ups and Sprite, and that’s fine. Have a weekly Tuesday treat of jelly beans, but only for those with no demerits.
- If you’re running low on jelly beans, award a lot of demerits.
- Keep them busy. Physical labor, croquet and Jersey Shore marathons have all proven effective methods for breaking spirits. As a last resort, force them to read the entire Twilight series in one sitting and write a fifty-page, fully sourced essay on how they identify with each of the characters. If that doesn’t destroy their faith in humanity, nothing will.
At some point you’ll need an exit strategy. Fleeing the country with your followers' worldly possessions (and bank account numbers) is a nice idea, but if you really want to do this right, you'll facilitate your devotees' passage to the next plane of existence. Kool-Aide is cliché; try to go out with a bang. Work in a ring of fire, those are really cool. Tell them you need to die last, to ensure everyone else is properly ushered to the far-off alien planet or wherever you're going. Then run like hell.
* Legal note: That cult name is already in use.
P.S. For an incredibly creepy but accurate video about how to start a cult, go here.
No comments:
Post a Comment